Stop! Slow down! I am not ready!

Tuesday, September 11

When did my baby become this big boy? The one who runs ahead of mama without fear, who insists he is big enough for the tallest slides, who surprises me every day with new words... This big boy who doesn't need me to pray for him anymore, and instead needs me to pray with him. When did my little one who needed me for everything start doing things for himself? Opening the refrigerator to get a snack, trying to put on his own shoes, changing his sleep schedule even when it doesn't fit my plan.

I know that I should be proud of him. I should see this things as fruits of my labor, and indications that I am doing my job as mama. He is confident and smart, independent and determined. He wants to learn everything he can, and looks to me to teach him. Yet, there is this part of me... some days it is a big part, some days I can control it... this part of me that wants to keep him a baby. Who wants to yell "Stop! Slow down! I am not ready!" Because it is true.. I am not ready. But ready or not, here he comes. This little man who has stolen my heart and will forever run around with a piece of it that I can't get back... not that I would want to.

I find myself constantly hovering between tears and joy these days. There is no more beautiful sound to me that Aiden's voice saying prayers to our Heavenly Father, but it also tugs at my very core. Because I know that ultimately Aiden is God's child and I have been given the amazing opportunity to raise him... but that means I can't keep him all for myself. I can't slow him down, or keep him my baby. I can only lean on God to soothe my mama heart as His will is done in the life of this sweet boy.

Motherhood has taken my relationship with my Heavenly Father to places I never dreamed of before. I find myself overwhelmed at the lessons I am learning, and the ways I am growing. It has been both the most challenging and most rewarding time of my life, and I am so thankful for this precious gift. I just wish it didn't have to go so fast...


  1. Oh Branson, I feel the same way and mine are 15 and 17....I don't think it will ever change. And right now the thought of my baby girl going off to college next year is a tough one. Excited for her, and an adjustment for the rest of us. But one day at a time is how I have to do it, it is after all, all we have! xo

  2. Motherhood. It is so joyous and so painful. I feel like I'm right there with you, just at a different stage :)

  3. If it's any consolation, the bigger he gets, the more he can show how he loves you, and the more things he can share with you! You are an amazing Mama, and I can easily imagine you guys always having a great relationship where he knows he can count on you for love and support!

  4. It's so bittersweet to watch them grow. I know just how you feel!

  5. OH girl, I couldn't even read all of this.....too many new momma hormones taking over :) I have had these same feelings so many times. I remember lying in bed with Bennett the day before Zoe was born and I couldn't hold back the tears. He just seemed so big, so independent, yet so sweet, and so in need of me to be there in his bed telling him a story. I couldn't help but think of the day when he no longer wanted me to lay down with him for story time. My heart broke a little, but like you said he is God's and I can't slow him down.


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