Life in the Fast Lane...

Saturday, September 15

This morning all I can do is laugh at myself. Yesterday was kind of a train wreck. We went to MOPS in the morning, and A hated it. He was a total mess when I picked him up, and ended up being more or less glued to me for the remainder of the day. Now, he is a pretty independent boy these days, so I have to say that by 9 PM when he came BACK to my bed (after an hour of bouncing in his crib) because he was upset and wouldn't sleep I was on the verge of the mommy crazies. I thought about how I tell Matt I wish A would cuddle more. This, however, was too much. I had flashbacks of those newborn days when all I wanted was to NOT be touched for a while.

While I was endlessly cuddling the boy, I found myself thinking. A lot. Thinking about so many things... questioning so many things. Yet the one thing that I kept thinking over and over was that I had once again taken life to the extremes. If you don't know my story, I struggled with postpartum depression and some fairly severe social anxiety disorder after Aiden was born. It has only been in the past 6 months or so that I have started to feel "normal" again. It was even more recent than that when I stopped dreading social situations. I am finally getting back into the swing of things where the nervousness before meeting new people is nothing more than what anyone feels.

I have spent my whole life, prior to becoming a mother, as a very social person. I have always been a joiner, a do-er. So, these past two years were incredibly hard. Yet they were also incredibly important. They gave me a chance to really learn about myself, and to draw closer to the Lord. I learned to listen when He told me "no" and I learned to say no myself. I guess that is why I was so disappointed in myself yesterday when I really stopped to think about the past week.

I was so excited when I felt God leading me to once again step outside my home and start serving Him in new ways. I was so excited when I could attend meetings and events without fear, and I was starting to feel like I was a part of a community again. I remember thinking a few times that our upcoming schedule sounded a little busy, but I was so focused on the lack of social anxiety that I let that consume me. It is like when a wound heals, and you occasionally poke it to make sure it doesn't hurt anymore. I have realized that this is what I was doing.

So, last night, as I was laying with my boy thinking about the week, I realized that I had taken a green light from God and raced ahead without watching for any other signs along the way. I missed the yield sign of my messy house, zoomed through the yellow light of my poor diet and lack of exercise, even ignored the flashing red light of a stress cold. I had overcommited, and in the process started to crowd God out.

Now I don't have all the answers this morning. I don't know what my schedule will look like even next week at this point. All I know for sure is that I learned a big lesson yesterday. I know that it is way to easy to lose all progress made in a heartbeat, and that if I don't slow down a much bigger crash is ahead. So, I will be spending this weekend doing just that. Slowing down. I may disappoint some people, but I know that I need to have a serious talk with God and figure some things out. I am so thankful for a God full of mercy and grace who is patient with me as I learn, and re-learn, what it means to walk with Him!

1 comment :

  1. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I think it is a good lesson to everyone to slow down and turn to God in the time of need.


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