Today has been an intensely hard day. I am not even going to pretend I can write about this in any way other than just spilling my guts and hitting publish. Because I am overwhelmed, exhausted, and terrified. Mom's PET scan results came in today. The cancer has spread into her bone. Into her bone. I was prepared for it to have spread further that we had hoped into her lymph nodes, but not into her bone. I had managed to ignore the word "aggressive" until today. I had convinced myself that the PET scan was nothing to be afraid of... so much so that I wasn't even nervous to hear the results.
When I say I am terrified, I mean it... and in more way than one. I am scared of what it will be like to watch my mom go through aggressive chemo. I am scared of what life is going to look like a year from now. It isn't just that, though. You see, I am scared of an entirely different kind of disease as well. I am scared that I am not going to be able to handle this. That the depression that haunted my first year of motherhood is going to once again show its ugly face. I am scared that A will not only lose a grandma, but also time with his mama. I am so, so scared.
But you know what? My God is an awesome God. He knew that all of this would surface, I have no doubt about that. He had a plan set in place for when it did, too. He gave a dear friend the perfect words to encourage me by text message to get me through the morning. Then... when things got quiet during nap time and the doubt and worry threatened to overwhelm me... he gave me this. A letter, written by one of my real life heroes to her family. A letter that is so painfully honest and hauntingly familiar that it tore me up inside to read it. Yet even as I was overwhelmed with the emotion it brought about, I was also fortified with hope and determination as I read Kim's words.
Because I know that I have lived through something that most people don't understand... and I won. I know that while I am scared and full of fear and doubt, I also enter this new season of life with something I didn't have before... women like Kim. I know and understand myself on a level I couldn't even imagine a couple years ago. I am going into this battle with not only a Heavenly Father who loves me, and friends who support me, but also knowledge and wisdom that the Spirit has been working in me for months now. I can remember telling Matt at several different points that I felt like I was being prepared for something big. Now I know what it was.
I am not going to be unrealistic and claim to have it all figured out. I want to be my mom's rock, but I also know that sometimes I am going to be more like a puddle of goo when things hit rock bottom. I know that I am going to need to ask for help, so that I can help her. I know I am going to need to be careful to keep my routine going, and my mind active.
I know a lot of things... I just hope that I can turn that knowledge into action.
But I do have hope. I have hope for a full recovery for my mom, and for a journey full of strength for those of us who will support her. I will cling to that hope for now, and ask that you all join me in prayer along the way. Please keep praying, friends.
Friday, November 9