When I checked the weather forecast this morning and saw that it is supposed to rain all week, my first instinct was to grumble. And yet... maybe this is my chance to stay in and just let the rainy days wash away some stress. Sometimes I just wish I could really hide away for a few days... I crave just 2 or 3 days of solitude and quiet. I just feel worn out and overwhelmed. Not by what I have to do, but by life in general. Of course solitude and quiet are not possible with a (very loquacious and active) child to care for and a husband who works hard outside the home. While I can't really hide away, maybe I can at least use the weather as an excuse to stay home and lay low this week.
I have been in a bit of a funk again lately, and I think a big part of it is that I am pressuring myself to do and be things that God has not planned for me. I find myself thinking that if I could just try harder or be better maybe I could shake this sense of unrest. Yet the more I try the more frustrated I become. Which has brought me to a place of wanting to just give up on all of it (talking about obligations here, not life... it sounds very dramatic to say "all of it", lol.) So now I am struggling to find that line that separates things I really should give up because they are truly not right from my crazy emotions. And let's face it... my crazy emotions tend to overwhelm things even when I am NOT facing big decisions.
This morning I read this post by Faith of Sweet Violet Photography, and it had me thinking again. Maybe this missing piece of her puzzle is also one that fits well into mine. If I am honest, the desire to quit everything comes mostly from wanting to just create the space needed in my daily life to truly love and serve my husband and child in the best possible way, while leaving plenty of time to focus on my relationship with God. I want to be able to focus on the foot-washing kind of stuff. Every time I stop this think of what I feel I need to do more of, it is that seemingly-mundane stuff that jumps out at me. All the other "stuff" feels like it is huge (even though there is already WAY less on my plate than most people I know) and it leads to me feeling like I am barely treading water. Partly because other obligations come with deadlines and expectations, whereas things like laundry and scrubbing the kitchen and playing an extra game of candyland do not. So, I focus on the deadlines and expectations while the rest of it piles up in the background.
Even when I acknowledge these things, though, it is hard for me to then figure out the actions that should follow. It all boils down to the fact that I don't trust myself. I have spent so many years struggling with anxiety and depression that I am scared to make decisions that resemble the ones that those struggles lead to. Anxiety and depression lead me to isolate myself... so it is hard for me to let go of the things I have more-or-less forced myself to do in an attempt to de-isolate myself (is that a word?) even though some of those things I probably rushed into without seeking God's wisdom first. Ugh. Can I just start over? See... now I am back to wanting to quit everything! This is why I am so frustrated? Ha!
It brings me a bit of comfort to know that I am not the only one struggling with things like this, but at the same time it frustrates me because the loudest voice is always the one shouting to do more, and be more, and buy more. I feel like the few quiet voices admitting that they don't want to live that way are quickly drowned out and doubt then easily creeps in. When your desire is to live differently than most other people, there is a definite loneliness that makes it hard. I just want to find my tribe... those women who will support me in my desire to seek God first while serving the people around me. I want to join voices and declare loudly that it is not all about doing more and having more. I want to live simply and focus on relational ministry where I can share God's love in real ways with real people. I just don't want to do it alone.
So anyway... there is the random battle going on in my head right now. I definitely wouldn't mind having some of that washed away by some lazy, rainy days this week. Maybe this little time of writing-therapy was a good first step. I guess only time will tell...
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